


Baby, I’m a dreamer for sure and I won’t let you down

by ChildishLandino



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Background Roux, Established Reylo, Fluff and Angst, Hes trying to make their future better, Mostly Fluff, Rey had a sad childhood, Some angst, childhood wishlist, conservationist rey, freelance writer ben, modern day AU, so did ben
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2020-12-31 20:14:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21151562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChildishLandino/pseuds/ChildishLandino
Summary: Ben Solo happens upon his girlfriend, Rey’s, diary when helping her pack. He snoops a bit, finding the wishlist she made when she was a child. He officially makes it his life calling to complete the list. Rey deserves it. Rey deserves the stars.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt from reylo_prompts on twitter! Special shout out to weddersins for being the best beta out there!!!
> 
> Title is from the song “I Swear This Time I Mean It” by Mayday Parade

  


**Prologue **

Ben let out a huff and collapsed on the small, twin sized bed shoved against the corner of the room. It groaned under his weight as he burrowed himself down into the plethora of green and yellow pillows strewn all over the surface. He draped one arm over the side, his fingers coming to rest on the too-thin carpet beneath him and his eyes slid over to watch the chaos. 

Beside Ben, on the floor, was his mess of a girlfriend, Rey. Scrambling to pack as much as she could before her piece-of-shit foster father got home. Ben wasn’t a fan. Which was why he had asked Rey to move in with him. It felt right. They’d been together going on three years, her home life was miserable, and he was lonely as fuck most nights. 

His roommate, Hux, had moved out to live with _ his _ girlfriend something like two months ago. Ben was not prepared. Hux had only been with her, what? Six months tops? He was happy for them, of course. But suddenly he was stuck with the full rent each month and Hux’s parting words of “well, when it’s love, why not take the leap?” 

Who knew Hux was such a sap? 

As Rey moved on to her dresser, pulling out clothes as hastily as she could, Ben’s eyes landed on a little book shoved under the corner of her mattress. He looked up at her briefly, making sure she wasn’t looking, then grabbed for it. He flipped over onto his belly and angled his (ridiculously huge, as Rey would say) back so that it was blocking what he had obtained from Rey’s view. 

Ben took in the well worn cover, with various notes and doodles scrawled all over it. It was a thick book, and he thumbed through quickly before opening to a random page. He read all of two sentences before slamming it shut. Letting out a sputtering cough to hide the sound of the book closing, he flipped over and shoved it into his back pocket. 

Rey eyed him oddly. “You okay?” 

“Just choked on some spit,” was the stupid response his brain managed to push out as he focused on fighting a blush. 

“Uh...huh,” Rey drawled. She zipped up the third bag and glanced back at him. “You could help you know?” 

Ben huffed again. He had only offered a dozen times, but she had said she was fine. “Of course. What can I do?” 

She held one of the bags up and gave him an ‘isn’t it obvious?’ Kind of look. He nodded, hoisting up all three bags, planting a kiss on the top of Rey’s head, and walking down to the car with them. Popping the trunk, Ben wasted no time simply tossing his cargo into it before pulling the little book out again. 

He stared at the cover again, heat on his cheeks.

Rey’s diary. 

How far back did this date to? They’d been together long enough, how did Ben not know his girlfriend had kept a journal? _ Oh _ , the curiosity, the absolute need to open it and take in every last word. It wouldn’t make him too terrible of a boyfriend to just...take a glance, would it? He was twenty-six, dammit, he was more mature than this. He didn’t need to go _ snooping _ to learn about his girlfriend. They were open and honest about everything. 

He hoped. 

Ben rolled his eyes and dragged a hand through his much too shaggy (‘The perfect length, you mean?’ Rey would say) hair, anxiety rippling through him. He would not be able to let this rest if he didn’t peek. He would die. He absolutely would die. 

Ben opened the book. 

  
  


_ Wish list _

  * __A Barbie doll. A REEL one, not the doller store ones __
  * _Ice cream as big as my HEAD_
  * _See Emperer’s New Groove (W POPCORN) _
  * _Visit Disney land! Or is it world? _
  * _some reel friends _
  * _STAKE! With potatos!_
  * _See the oshen_
  * _New shoes!!_
  * _Family who loves me _

  
  


_ Oh...no…. _Ben felt the anguish bubbling in his chest. Based on the horrific handwriting and slew of misspelled words, a very young Rey had written this list. A short list of a child’s greatest desires. Having known what he did about her childhood, how much she went without her entire life, his chest heaved with an empty pain he hadn’t felt in a very long time. 

As a child, Ben had endured his fair share of neglect. But he had never wanted for the simple pleasures all children crave. If anything, he had been overwhelmed by the ‘experiences’ and plethora of toys shoved his way in lieu of involved parents. None of it had ever mattered to him; he never felt excited about receiving gifts. 

But Rey? Rey hadn’t had parents at all, hadn’t had foster parents that cared. So the lack of superficial splurges was just one more thing in a life lacking… well, lacking _ everything _, really. 

Ben glanced at the house, making sure the coast was clear, before whipping his phone out and snapping a picture of the page. He shut it once more and shoved it deep down in one of the bags Rey had packed. The very early stages of an idea began to brew in his head, and if he could pull it off, he would be more proud of himself than he probably ever had been. 

A quick nod to himself and then Ben rushed back into the house to help finish things up and get Rey the hell out of there. 


	2. Chapter 1: Welcome Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always to weddersins for being the amazing beta and friend that she is. And special thanks to those who left comments on the first chapter!!! Your words meant so much to me!

_Wish List _

<strike> _1\. A Barbie doll. A REEL one, not the doller store ones_ </strike>

_2\. Ice cream as big as my HEAD_

_3\. See Emperer’s New Groove (W POPCORN)_

_4\. Visit Disney land! Or is it world? _

_5\. Some reel friends _

_6\. See the oshen _

_7\. New shoes!! _

_8\. A family who loves me. _

  
  


It had been just over a week since Rey moved everything in to Ben’s apartment. It hadn’t been hard to get it all situated as she didn’t come with much. But suddenly, there were more pillows on the bed, more books on the shelves (that were already overflowing, if Ben were being honest), and little knick-knacks throughout that were very obviously, heart-warmingly  _ Rey _ . 

And plants. 

So many plants.

It was a Saturday, and Ben was letting her sleep in. He had woken when the sun first peeked through the window of his now shared bedroom. As he had every morning of the last seven days, Ben propped himself up on an elbow and stared. Stared at her constellations of freckles - not just the ones on her face either. He took in her peaceful face, relaxed and carefree in her slumber. He listened to her subtle snoring, nothing but endearing to him. 

As softly as he could, Ben caught the stray hairs cascading across Rey’s face and brushed them back into the rest of her honey-brown locks splayed out across the pillow. He briefly wondered if he would ever tire of the view. 

_ Most definitely not _ , he assured himself before planting a whisper of a kiss on her forehead. 

They had big plans today, heading off to IKEA for a few new things. Rey had informed Ben now that she was living there, the apartment was no longer allowed to be  _ dull _ . He had nearly scoffed at the idea, but she was right. He lived a very minimalistic life. The only form of clutter anywhere in the house were his books. 

A rug or something would be nice. 

Ben pulled the coffee canister out of the cabinet and the French press off of the drying rack. Turning the electric kettle on, he began the routine of making breakfast. They had fallen into a rhythm of sorts already, Rey was the dinner chef and Ben made the breakfasts. 

‘ _ You make the most amazing breakfast food _ ’ she had told him one morning, moaning over a plate of pancakes. He made good breakfast food because it was fairly easy to do, but he’d take the compliment for what it was. He liked her praise. 

The corner of Ben’s mouth crooked up into a private smile as the kettle came to a full heat. Rey didn’t know that he had some other plans lined up today - and the coming days. He was nervous, scared that maybe she’d be more offended than excited. He had requested an emergency meeting with Hux and Rose, inviting himself over when Rey was working out of town for a few days. 

As he presented the photo of her list to them, he saw Rose’s face crumble. She had known about the diary, Rey having shared parts throughout their friendship. Ben had ensured her that he had only seen the one page and that was it, and Rose was grateful. She had told him she worried how Rey would react if he had read through it all. 

Apparently it wasn’t the happiest of reads. 

Ben felt his nerves prickle as she explained it was basically a book about a child encouraging themselves as they faced hardships a child never should. Rey constantly building herself up, convincing herself that these things were normal, that one day it would get better. 

He had to stamp down his feelings of agony and redirect the conversation, explaining his plans with the list. Rose had beamed, encouraging him that Rey would absolutely love it. Hux had shouldered him on the side with a  _ ‘who’s the sap now?’  _ Which Ben took as his version of approval. 

Having his intentions validated, Ben began figuring out how to go about it all. Some were pretty hefty desires and he had to make a plan that flowed smoothly and made sense. A plan that wasn’t just him dragging her to all these random places different weekends with no rhyme or reason. He had sat down with Rey’s manager, Maz, to find out what kind of vacation Rey could take. Then lined his schedule up accordingly. 

As a work at home freelance writer, he had plenty of flexibility. But as a land conservationist, Rey had a much stricter schedule with deadlines and constant traveling. She had very rarely taken time off in the entire time Ben had known her. She loved her job far too much to be away from it for extended time. But Maz had been in agreement with Ben, that Rey had more than earned some time off. They had found a nine day gap in the schedule just over a month away. 

That gave Ben plenty of time to finalize the last few gifts. 

Ben was pleased with himself that he had things halfway planned already, and Rey was none the wiser. Amazing how much he could accomplish in a week when he actually cared about the outcome.

He slid the scrambled eggs he had been cooking onto two separate plates, along with buttered toast and some sausage links. Quick and easy, perfect for when one needs to hit the road soon. The coffee was near done in the French press, he let it sit another minute before pouring it into their two mugs - hers as big as his face, his a modest six ounces. 

Balancing the plates on either mug, he made his way to the bedroom, fully intending to wake Rey up with the smell of food. She had told him long ago it was her favorite way to start the day. But upon entering the room, he saw she was already up. She sent a beaming smile his way. 

“Good morning, handsome!” She rolled herself off of her side and up into a sitting position. “I was  _ really _ hoping you would bring that in here.” She lifted her arms to him and her hands made a ‘gimme’ gesture towards the food. Carefully, he passed her plate and mug off to her before plopping down beside her. 

“I would never make you actually leave the bed for food, sunshine,” he said, stealing a kiss before her mug could reach her mouth. “We’ve got to eat up though. IKEA will probably take the entire day.” 

Rey nodded while taking a long sip of coffee. “Thankfully, your amazing girlfriend has made a list of everything she intends to look at, to help save time!” 

“No, that never works.” 

“You’re right. Damn you, IKEA.” 

They ate their breakfast in comfortable silence, the sun flooding the bedroom through the open windows. Rey said blinds were an atrocity, ‘ _ why would anyone want to hide from the sun?’ _ Ben had agreed with the second floor only, since no one could really look in. The other windows, they removed the blinds and compromised with single panel curtains that could be closed in the evenings. 

Staunton was a tiny little town nestled in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia, and they lived on the main strip. A large amount of people walked by on the daily, many of which were visitors thinking that their home was a shop. Once Rey saw just how many people would peer into their living room, she easily agreed on the compromise. 

Ben took the first shower and dressed while Rey was taking her turn under the spray. He was suddenly very nervous about pulling off this first gift. He sent a silent prayer to anyone who was listening that Rey would not clue in to where he got the idea. He did not want her to think he felt pity or sorrow. Ben knew that would only make her upset. She never, ever wanted anyone to hurt for her past. He learned that the hard way, if he were being honest. 

No, he respected Rey far too much to make her feel ‘less than’, but god did he want to make sure she knew just how cherished she was. Which was a lot. Not by just him either, no their entire friend group revolved around his brilliant sunshine. All Ben had before was Hux, who he appreciated and despised in an even split. Then Rey happened and suddenly so did Poe, Finn, Rose, Jessika, Gwen…. it made his head spin. He was never much of a people’s person. Still wasn’t. But Rey was enough for the both of them. 

With that thought, he gave a quick nod to his reflection in the armoire mirror and reached for the bag hidden under the bed. Pulling the box out of it, he grimaced. This was the absolute weirdest purchase he had ever made, but he hoped it would be worth it. 

_ I mean, what grown adult woman wants a Barbie?  _ He worked his jaw in a well recognized nervous tick.  _ Maybe this was a stupid idea after all.  _

The door to the bathroom opened before he had a chance to wimp out on the gift. Ben spun around to face her, taking in her casual look. Hair up in a messy bun, a light cream sweater and a well worn, torn pair of jeans. He was a huge fan of this casual, laid back, one-of-a-kind Rey he got to call his. 

She sent a smile his way, tossing her pjs onto the bed. Something that drove him absolutely nuts, and she knew it. 

“What’cha got there, Solo?” Ben backed up just a little, knees bumping the side of the mattress. “Did I interrupt a porn session?” 

He sputtered as she came to a stop right in front of him. “Rey, please.” 

She laughed and tried reaching behind his back. But Ben just turned this way and that, making sure her hands didn’t come in contact with the box he had hidden. 

“Come on, Ben, seriously,” She furrowed her brow at him, amusement twinkling her eyes. “Are we five?” 

“I mi-i-i-ght have gotten you a little gift,” he whispered, leaning down to be eye level with her. “I might be regretting it. It’s dumb. Like,  _ painfully _ dumb.”

“I’ll bet it’s not!” Rey squealed and reached behind his back once more. This time he let her grab it and bring it to her person. She spun around so she was facing away from him. Ben couldn’t gage her reaction. She was just silent, and standing there. He started to panic, coming up with a million excuses and apologies all at once. This had been a dumb idea, what was he thinking? He was going to murder Rose. And Hux. They deserved it. 

“Where did you get this?” She asked, turning around with big eyes. “I’ve never seen one before.” 

“Uh.. well.” He ran his fingers through his hair. Another nervous tick, and dammit he was nervous. “I was just stoked about your promotion and found it online. I thought it was cute at the time. Then my job got crazy, then the move, and it just slipped my mind.”  _ This is a terrible, stupid lie for a terrible, stupid gift.  _

“If you think it’s stupid, I totally get it.” 

Rey scoffed and looked down at the Barbie again. She ran the fingers of one hand across the front lightly, a small smile ghosting her lips. Her eyes were soft, half closed. It seemed to be a good reaction. Right? 

“Conservationist Barbie, who’da thought?” She murmured. “Her uniform is way cuter than mine.” 

Ben watched as she hugged it to her chest and walked towards him. Rey’s forehead softly hit his chest and he felt her nuzzle him. “Thank you,” he heard her whisper. It was her watery whisper, the one reserved for when she was emotional, fighting back tears. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close. 

“I am so proud of you, sunshine,” he whispered, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. “I don’t want you to ever forget it.” 

Ben could feel her tears through his shirt. He fought his hardest not to smile, but it felt good to do something right every now and again. This had clearly been something right. 

“I love it,” Rey said, looking up with a watery smile, “and I love you.” She leaned forward and he dipped down to meet her halfway. The softest of kisses and he mentally high fived himself. Of  _ course  _ he had good ideas. He was absolutely brilliant! He should never doubt himself and his utterly genius brain.

“Now,” he rubbed his nose back and forth on her cheek, “thank me by dragging me through floors and floors of furniture that all look the same.” 

Rey laughed loudly at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> conservationist Barbie is real! I made sure before I included her! 
> 
> And there is a conservation center in Staunton, Va that does a lot of great work around the state! If you’re a conservationist of any kind, I am doing as much research as possible to make sure I get it right, but please forgive any mistakes! 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, you lovely people! Let me know what you think, your words are so appreciated! 
> 
> Say hello to me on Twitter!


	3. Chapter 2: Twelve Scoops and a Sassy Llama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forever and always thank you to weddersins for being the amazing beta that she is! And thank you to all you lovely readers who have bookmarked, subscribed, and commented! You have made my heart full and I love you all dearly!

**Chapter 2: Twelve Scoops & a Sassy Llama **

_Wish List_

<strike> _1\. A Barbie doll. A REEL one, not the doller store ones!_ </strike>

<strike> _2\. Ice cream as big as my HEAD_ </strike>

<strike> _3\. See Emperer’s New Groove (W POPCORN)_ </strike>

_4\. Visit Disney land. Or is it world?_

_5\. Some reel friends_

_6\. STAKE! With potatos_

_7\. See the oshen_

_8\. New shoes _

_9\. A family who loves me_

It had been a week since their venture to IKEA. Ben and Rey’s townhouse was now home to an actual four-seater kitchen table, a couch that didn’t look like it had been pulled out of a dumpster, some organizational supplies, and matching side and coffee tables. Ben had never once owned tables. Rey was appalled. 

Ben was currently sitting on the new couch with his feet propped up on said coffee table, hair pulled out of his face in some kind of messy knot. His laptop balancing on his thighs, he was on the last bit of a magazine article he’d been commissioned for. 

It was an easy article and he was antsy to get it done. Rey had been gone a few days and he had planned to surprise her that night. She was out in a town called Charles City, working a special event. It was hatching season for the Bob White Quail, so she was at the Conservation Park of Virginia to witness, record, and celebrate. Apparently quail were an at-risk species, especially in the United States. This park prided itself in specifically raising and caring for them. 

Rey had been so excited. She had seen a lot of amazing things in her work, but witnessing the hatchings of an at-risk species was not one of them. She couldn’t wait to check it off her mental list. 

Oh, how Ben loved to see her so happy. He could not provide much for her, working a job where the wages varied. Though he had no regular outside help, he was lucky that his parents owned this townhouse in Staunton. They offered it to him at a ridiculously good price. If they had not done that, who knows where he would have ended up. It felt good to have a home to offer Rey when it came down to it. But other than that and his affections, he didn’t have much to give. 

So having her find passion and joy, as well as livelihood in her work had been such a blessing. He loved how much Rey beamed when she talked of her experiences. Her drive and commitment to keep animals and plants protected was something to be admired. 

Christ, he was smitten. 

After a final skim through, he hit ‘send’ and off his article went to the editor. Ben closed and put the laptop in his already packed duffle bag. After a quick walk through the home to make sure all of the lights were off, the central air wasn’t on a constant run, and the windows were all secured, he was out the door. 

Ben took a breath of the clear, clean air before beginning his brief walk to the car. Rey had gotten a ride with her coworkers and was expected to ride back with them as well. He couldn’t wait to surprise her, he had never ventured with her on one of her work trips. 

A brief pang of worry that she would not appreciate the gesture shot through him. 

Ben knew that Rey appreciated her space, she liked to have her own thing. Never having that before made it that much more special for her - something that was strictly Rey’s and Rey’s alone. He understood that. He couldn’t relate, but he understood. 

Everything had been Ben’s and Ben’s alone growing up, and so he had an overwhelming need to share everything. His home, his thoughts, his food, his tongue… yeah. Rey had told him about two years into their relationship that she appreciated how much he cared, but she also appreciated time to herself. At the time he was completely floored, didn’t understand it at all. He was absolutely certain that Rey was going to leave him. 

After a particularly spectacular panic attack on his part, she sat him down and explained her mindset. Ben understood and he had worked hard the next year to give Rey what she needed. It had not been easy in the beginning. But now, they had a flow, and he could not be more thankful. 

Ben unlocked the car door and threw his bag in before folding himself in as well. The ‘08 Malibu seemed big enough at the time, but his legs immediately regretted the purchase. He was stuck with it now, determined to drive it into the ground before he bothered purchasing another vehicle. 

They were  _ stupid _ expensive. 

He gave himself a once over in the rear view mirror, running fingers nervously through his hair before shaking it out a little. A determined nod to himself, and Ben pulled out to begin the two and a half hour drive to Rey. 

——————

Ben arrived at the Airbnb in just over three hours. The house was actually in Toano, so he ended up on I64, which was always a nightmare. He still managed to beat Rey there. He parked the car farther down the street and walked back to the house, sitting down on the front porch. Taking a quick glance at his watch, he saw she should be arriving within the next ten minutes. Ben didn’t really think about the fact she was housed with two other people. That might make things weird. Hopefully they’d be fine with it, he could just crash on the couch or something and take Rey home the following morning. Surely they wouldn’t mind. 

….right? 

Ben shook his head. It would be fine, they’re all adults. Rey’s coworkers liked her quite a bit, he could tell anytime he went to a work event. She got along splendidly with mostly everyone. The only people who had problems with her, were people she felt the same way about. Those stories were always the fun ones.

He checked his watch again, getting anxious. What if they decided to go out for dinner tonight? Rey had told him what time she would call, but that didn’t necessarily mean that was the time she’d be back at the house. A sigh escaped his lips and he dropped his head. 

_ Why do I always overthink literally everything?  _

A car turned on to the road and he knew immediately it was them. He remembered the flashy number from many an event. He hadn’t realized that Rey’s boss was on this trip as well. A bit awkward. 

The sleek Volvo XC90 pulled into the driveway and Ben found himself salivating a little. It was a  _ nice  _ suv. He had always pined over it, but as it came to a stop in front of him he couldn’t stop his hand from reaching out to touch it. 

He jerked his hand back quickly.  _ What the fuck, Solo.  _

The back door opened with a bang and out flew the insanely fast, ridiculously over the top, love of his life. Before he could bring himself to stand, Rey slammed into him with a hug as fierce as her personality. Arms instinctually wrapped around her, Ben nuzzled into her hair - which smelled of grass and sunshine. 

“Surprise,” he murmured in her ear.

Another car door shut and he heard some laughing. 

“Get a fuckin’ room you two,” Poe, the lead scientist of their office, shouted as he walked to the side door. Maz, the owner, followed suit, merely chuckling and shaking her head. Ben felt Rey laugh before she lifted her head and beamed at him. Her smile was everything and he would never grow tired of it. 

“What are you doing here?” She said. Then immediately: “Not that I mind! I am ridiculously happy to see you! Just wasn’t expecting it. I’m not just saying that either, I promise—“ 

A kiss to shut her up and then it was his turn to beam. 

“Don’t worry, sunshine, I believe you.” Ben adjusted the way she was sitting in his lap, finding a more comfortable position for the both of them. “I figured a date in a new city could be a little fun. Nothing fancy, thought we could grab some ice cream. Then come back here for a movie night.” 

“Oh, wow,” Rey chuckled, “You really thought this out. What was your inspiration?” 

“Mmm,” Ben pretending to think. “Just my overwhelming love for you. Nothing special.” 

Rey gave him a playful nudge to the chest. He would never admit it, but it kind of hurt. 

“You’ve been such a sap lately, Ben. I’m concerned.” 

He pushed a few stray hairs behind her ear and planted another kiss on her cheek. “Yeah, me too. Maybe I’m dying or something.” 

Rey slapped his arm. “Don’t even joke. Whatever it is, I’ll take it. Especially if ice cream is involved.” 

Ben lifted himself up and pulled her with him. He quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her to the car, feeling particularly giddy that afternoon. Maybe he really  _ was  _ losing his mind. But he wouldn’t change it for the world. 

——————

“BEN WHAT THE HELL!” 

He watched as Rey’s eyes lit up and she took in the honestly atrocious ice cream sundae he had placed in front of her. He held a spoon out to her as he slid into the seat on the opposite side of the booth, wishing he had thought to pull out his phone. This as a picture worth having forever. Ben took his time to capture the details, hoping to remember her expression forever. 

“What IS this!? It’s huge!” Rey hadn’t moved a muscle since he placed the twelve scoops with six toppings and a shit-load of whipped cream down. Ben chuckled, it was everything he had hoped for. 

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “It was there on the menu and I thought ‘why not’? We do  _ not _ have to finish it.” 

“I accept your challenge,” his charming, adorable, tiny ( _ ‘I am tall for a girl, thank you _ ’) girlfriend sent him a look that said she was serious. Ben didn’t doubt her intentions, but he absolutely doubted her ability to consume this monstrosity in front of them. 

The kid behind the plexiglass had given Ben such a  _ look  _ when he explained his intentions. He had the money to pay, why did that kid care so much? They went back and forth for a while, Ben ultimately winning with the promise of a good tip. It was stupid expensive for ice cream, and he hadn’t  _ really  _ budgeted for it but it was all worth it when he saw Rey’s face. 

She had already started putting away a good chunk of it when it dawned on him she hadn’t had dinner. Maybe she  _ would  _ eat the whole thing. He took a spoonful of his own with a worried look, hoping she didn’t end up sick that night. 

“How on earth did you manage to get an ice-cream as big as my entire body? This is ridiculous. I love it. I love you.” Another spoonful of mint-chocolate chip shoved into Rey’s mouth, the flavor with the most scoops because he knew that was her favorite. 

“Eh. Bribery,” Ben shrugged. “Tell me about the quails.”

“Oh. My gosh,” She set the spoon down and took a breath. “Get ready for the most amazing story you have ever heard in your entire life.” Rey pulled her phone out and opened the gallery. He knew he was in for a long tale, and he couldn’t have been more happy about it. 

——————

It was dark outside and they were back at the airbnb, cuddled up on the couch with a large bowl of popcorn neither of them felt inclined to eat from. Rey had given her best effort with the ice cream, and Ben told her how impressed he was, but ultimately the sundae was victorious. 

Ben had to all but carry Rey back to the car, she was stuffed to the brim. 

As soon as they had returned, she ran to her room to switch into sweat pants and a tee. Another one of Ben’s favorite looks for her. The dvd was going through the auto play trailers and he could not be bothered to skip them, choosing instead to wrap his arms tightly around the sleepy, stuffed sunbeam by his side.

“What are we watching?” She mumbled, snuggling into his side. The blanket around them shifted with her minor efforts and he detangled himself enough to pull it back over her shoulder. 

“Ah. Don’t laugh at me,” he felt himself  _ actually  _ flush. He was pretty sure she still had no idea where all these things were coming from, and he had to keep up the front, desperate to not throw a wrench in his plans. “I was obsessed with this movie in middle school, and it’s been a long while since I’ve watched it. If you’ve seen it before and hate it, let me know and we can bail.” 

“Mhmm,” she gave him a wary eye. “You keep your secrets. Such a weirdo lately.” She turned her face back to the screen and a face splitting grin could not be stopped as he felt warmth bloom in his chest. 

Rey was right, he was being weird and sappy and ridiculous lately. Never mind the things he had been thinking about. Things to do with white lace, pretty rings, and soft music. 

Ben mentally chastised himself for being an actual baby, a big ol’ sap. It was getting ridiculous. 

The trailers finally came to an end and a particularly sassy llama and his large peasant companion popped up on the screen with a list of options. 

“Oh,” Rey shot up from her spot and stared at the very cheesily animated menu screen, “my God! Ben are you serious?!” 

He flinched and put his hands up defensively. “Like I said! If you hate it or something, we can turn it off.” 

“Are you kidding me!” Rey fell back onto the couch, still staring ahead as if she just could not believe what was happening. “I have wanted to see this movie for an actual decade and a half. I swear to God it was one of my biggest wishes as a kid.” 

“Ah.” Ben leaned forward and met her eyes, drawing her away from the screen. “Well, in that case. I totally did in on purpose and you’re welcome.” 

She picked up a throw pillow and had it live up to its name. Ben busted out laughing, deep and hearty, and tossed the pillow back at her. Picking up the remote, he pressed play and once more pulled Rey close to him. 

His little plan was going brilliantly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of research went into this chapter. From cars, to conservation sights, to Charles City, airbnb, and so forth. I hope it all paid off, haha! Just wanted to make sure I had everything accurate before posting. 
> 
> How’d I do? Let me know what you thought! I’m sure we can all collectively agree that Ben Solo is the sappiest of all saps at this point. It’s only going to get worse. 
> 
> And as always, come say hi to me on Twitter!


	4. Chapter 3: Dinner for Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that this chapter took a little while, and that the next one will most likely as well. My new semester at school started up and the first week was a doozy. But I will not abandon ship! This fic will be done before Thanksgiving. Thank you all for bearing with me! I hope you enjoy!

**Chapter 3: Dinner for Four **

_ Wish List _

<strike> _ 1\. A Barbie doll. A REEL one, not the doller store ones _ </strike>

<strike> _ 2\. Ice cream as big as my HEAD _ </strike>

<strike> _ 3\. See Emperer’s New Groove (W POPCORN) _ </strike>

_ 4\. Visit Disney land, or is it world? _

<strike> _ 5\. Some reel friends _ </strike>

<strike> _ 6\. STAKE! With potatos _ </strike>

_ 7\. See the oshen _

_ 8\. New shoes  _

_ 9\. A family who loves me  _

Long, thick fingers trailed across a prominent hip bone, tracing over each freckle they came across. Dipping into the valley between, they made their way to the other side, continuing their work of ghosting across the bone. 

Plush lips found a pulse point and pressed gently, eliciting a giggle from the victim. Smaller hands,  _ her  _ hand, pushed back on his broad chest only encouraging him to continue his ministrations. His hand trailed up her side, the small dip of her waist and the gentle hill of her breast. 

A huff of a laugh. 

Another gentle kiss, this time to her jaw, a light nuzzle with his nose. Then a leg swung over hers, trapping her, and fingers that were once gentle began their assault. 

Rey squealed and thrashed as Ben continued the tickle onslaught, knowing every single one of her weak points. She laughed and cried out until tears formed around the edges of her eyes and he finally let up. He didn’t roll off of her, choosing instead to find her lips with his, a gentle, welcoming kiss returned with some reluctance. 

Rey pulled back and gave him  _ a look _ . “That. Was not how I thought this morning was going to start.” 

“Oh really,” he sent a roguish grin her way before finally rolling off of her, landing by her side. “Do tell, what did you have in mind?” 

She huffed and hit the back of his thigh with her knee. “Something a tad more romantic, maybe?” 

“Mhmm,” he wrapped a hand around her once more, pulling her into his chest. Nose nuzzled into her hair, he murmured, “last night not good enough, sunshine?” 

Ben saw her cheeks redden ever so slightly before she kissed his jaw. “More than good enough, thank you. I’m going to take a shower.” 

Rey rolled out of his grasp and off the bed, standing gloriously bare before him and looking completely ravaged. Her sun streaked brown hair tousled all over the place, love marks prominent on her chest and thighs. Ben gave her a smug look before very clearly letting his eyes roam. He loved marking what was his. 

Before he could say so aloud, Rey throttled him with a pillow before scampering off to the bathroom. Ben flopped back down on the bed, taking note of the varying places Rey claimed  _ her _ territory the night before. How the hell had he been so lucky to find her? Three years together, four having known each other. He had been captivated the minute he laid eyes on the girl who completely throttled Hux in a game of beer pong and then  _ laughed  _ at him. 

It had been life changing. 

Ben followed her around like a dog for three-hundred and seventy-eight days before she finally said yes to drinks. Once the early ‘honeymoon phase’ was over they found their personalities and scabbed over wounds warred with one another. It had been critical mass for a long while, every little thing setting each other off. Screaming matches that still made Ben flinch when he recalled them. Threats of leaving one another, recanting love. 

It was devastating.

It had nearly destroyed him. 

With a grimace on his face, Ben recalled the day he punched an actual hole in Rey’s wall. Thankfully, Rey’s foster father was not present when it happened. He remembered how terrified she looked. 

He didn’t hear from Rey for a week after that, despite his efforts to reach out to her. Ben figured that was the end of things, sinking deeper into his depression and self-loathing. He had known he fucked up, and more than anything had wanted to fix it. One night he walked over to her house, in one last effort to apologize. He had no intention of asking her to come back. He knew what she had been through and he knew he had probably - no  _ definitely _ \- triggered something in her. He just wanted to tell her how sorry he was. 

When he had knocked on the door, the answer was almost immediate, Rey pushing out of the door quickly to get out of the house. She turned and startled at the sight of it. 

_ “Oh,” she looked down at the ground and wrapped her arms around her chest. “I was expecting someone else, sorry.”  _

_ A pang of anguish seared through Ben’s chest and he willed his lungs to take in air. Had she already moved on? Rey hadn’t seemed the type to jump into a relationship quickly. Or maybe it was just him that she was wary to give a chance. Rightfully so.  _

_ “I just came to apologize,” he managed to get out. Hands shoved into his jacket pockets, he let his eyes fall to the ground as well. “You are such a strong and amazing woman, and you’ve overcome so much. I did something unforgivable to you, and I can’t take that back. But I want you to know that I regret it immensely. I care far too much for you to have done something so fucking stupid. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me over time. I’m so sorry I failed you.”  _

_ Ben couldn’t bring himself to look up. That had not been the speech he prepared. The one in his head sounded a lot less desperate, pathetic, and needy. He could feel his cheeks flame. He scrunched his eyes closed and took a step back, preparing to walk away.  _

_ “Take care of yourself, okay?” He cast a quick glance up, finding she was looking at him. Eyes immediately back to the ground, he said, “I hope you get the life you deserve, Rey, and so much more. You deserve the stars.”  _

_ He turned away, could feel the shattering in his chest all over again. His heart had already broken, he could not believe there was more to break. Ben swallowed thickly, fighting the tears long enough to get back to his car.  _

_ “Wait.”  _

_ He felt a ghost of a touch on his elbow and went rigid. Not knowing what to expect, he waited, didn’t dare to move.  _

_ “You came back,” she whispered. “No one ever came back. No one ever said sorry.”  _

_ Ben let out a shutter of a sigh, anxiety spiking, he didn’t know what to do.  _

_ “I’ve missed you,” He felt Rey’s head rest in between his shoulder blades, still he didn’t move. “I hate what you did. I hate it more than words can say. But I understand where you’re coming from.”  _

_ Her hand was on his arm, urging Ben to turn around and face her. He felt so ashamed, still refused to look up. Then a hand was on his chin, nudging. He met her eyes.  _

_ “What you did was  _ not  _ okay and I need to know that  _ you  _ know that.” She raised her brows at him and he nodded, unable to talk. “It hurt me and you know exactly why it hurt me. I will not be with someone who thinks shit like that is okay. You know that right?”  _

_ Ben nodded again and felt the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. He tried his hardest, but he couldn’t fight back the sob that tore through him. He openly wept, found himself sliding to the ground, unable to hold his own weight any longer. He sobbed and felt the shame roil through him. It hurt. More than anything else in his stupid, fucking life, it hurt in a way he had never felt.  _

_ “R-Rey,” he managed to get out. “I’m…. fu- I’m so-“  _

_ “Shhh,” she slid down to him to. “I know. Just please, hold me.”  _

_ And he did.  _

  
  


He jolted back to the present, a bewildered Rey stared down at him as she ran a towel through her hair. 

“Love, you’re crying,” she said, sitting down beside him on the bed. “You fell back asleep. Bad dream?” 

Ben immediately rolled himself over, placed his head in her lap, and wrapped an arm around her waist. He tried his best to breathe and settle himself back into the current movement. 

“I love you,” he croaked, inwardly grimaced at the sound. “I love you and I don’t deserve you.” 

“Oh,” Rey carded her fingers through his hair. He knew that she knew exactly what was on his mind. “I love you too, more than anything in this world. You do deserve me, and I deserve you, and together we deserve the stars.” 

Ben allowed himself to cry. 

——————

It was mid-afternoon - after Rey forced Ben back into the shower with her, after she combed her hands through his hair, and kissed him abundantly - and it was time to get ready for their dinner guests. Ben found himself being overly affectionate, and Rey let him. He touched her every chance he got, just fleeting fingers across her skin as they passed. He kissed her head, he whispered words of adoration. 

Rey was well aware he got like this sometimes, and he could never thank her enough for tolerating him and his moods. She would repeat to Ben that she loved him too, that she was thankful for him, that she never regretted her choice to take him back. Rey’s patience with him was astounding. Ben would sometimes catch himself waiting for the day she left him, wallowing in his self-loathing, making up conversations in his head that he would dwell over. 

Then, he would realize how ridiculous he was being, tell himself that it was time to get it together, and then he’d turn the tables and spoil Rey as much as he could. It was a fairly regular pattern. One neither of them seemed to have an issue with. Rey would remind him when he apologized that she had her moments when she needed him as well. Which was true. Her shut ins would last too long sometimes and he’d have to come after her, pulling her back to the present. 

Their abilities to build each other up and salve each other’s wounds was something Ben hoped he would never take for granted. 

With a determined nod to himself, Ben placed one last kiss on Rey’s head before walking intentionally to the kitchen. Counters needed to be wiped down before Hux brought his overly critical, borderline OCD self in there to cook. Ben pulled out the multi-purpose cleaner from under the sink and grabbed a dish towel from the drawer beside it. 

They were having Hux and Rose over for dinner that night. Mostly because it had been a long time since the four of them had been together and caught up. Other than Ben’s last minute emergency call, it had probably been three weeks, possibly a month. Rey lamented how little she had seen her friend and Ben took the opportunity to pounce. 

The bonus to this evening would be checking off two more of little Rey’s wishes. Hux made a mean steak and potatoes, which could not have been planned any better by God himself really. And the little bit about ‘ _ having reel friends’ _ well, Rey had done that all on her own and they would celebrate that evening. 

Once the counters were cleaned, and the supplies returned to their homes, Ben began the absolutely wonderful job of mopping the entire townhouse. Which was actually not that wonderful. He hated it, but he knew Rey did as well; so out of his undying love and affection he mopped, making sure to be  _ very  _ loud and  _ very  _ much in her way. 

“Oh my, look at this spot here,” Ben grumbled, scrubbing hard at the floor just in front of Rey’s feet. “I cannot believe how filthy this one particular area is. Ridiculous.” He scrubbed literal circles around her, watching as she rolled her eyes and huffed. 

“Come on,  _ Benjamin _ ,” oh, he loved when her British drawl came out. “I am trying so hard to have this place looking good.” 

“I know, Rey. That’s why I’m working so hard to get it clean. All for you.” 

Ben heard her huff before a foot stamped down on his mop, followed quickly by the other one when he stopped his motions. Rey turned to face him, twisting the mop as she went and gave Ben the most dazzling smile. 

“Thank you,  _ sweetie _ , so so much.” 

A flick of her wrist, and the broom was on the floor. Ben let out a laugh as Rey quickly gallivanted away.

——————

Upon their arrival, Hux and Rose immediately separated Ben and Rey. The girls disappeared to the upstairs bedroom and the men stayed downstairs in the kitchen. Ben could hear the giggling already, left only to imagine what they could possibly be discussing up there. 

Down in the kitchen, he was helping Hux unload the groceries. It appeared they would be having not just steak and potatoes, but asparagus, some kind of ...flan? And a shit-ton of wine. 

“Flan? You’re kidding.” Hux rolled his eyes as he began slicing potatoes. “That is  _ sticky toffee pudding  _ you idiot American.” 

Ben huffed and put the  _ toffee pudding  _ in the fridge as instructed, keeping it solid until it was time to serve. At that time, apparently, it would have to be rewarmed, thoroughly sauced with caramel, and served immediately with a side of ice-cream. Hux was an absolute prude, but Ben’s mouth was watering. 

“So tell me how this little quest of yours is going,” Hux offered, tossing the potato slices in a bowl of seasoning and oil. Ben got to work preparing the asparagus, hopefully exactly as Hux had instructed him.

“I think it’s going well,” he said with a small grin. “She hasn’t caught on to it, and seems to really be enjoying herself.” 

Hux gave a curt nod as he transferred the now well coated potatoes into a skillet. “And this evening is part of the list?” 

“Yeah, steak and potatoes was on the list. As was ‘having real friends’.” 

“Fuck,” the ginger man grumbled, with a shake of his head. “Even I’m compelled to give this kid a hug.” 

Ben nodded, passing over the asparagus to be added to the skillet. “I hate thinking about it. Every time I get too deep in it, I want to go murder that fucking piece of shit Plutt.” His hands balled into fists and he felt the rage bubbling. Thinking about a teenage Rey, at the end of the line in the system. With no choice other than to make Plutt work or end up in a center. The filth she had to endure — 

“Don’t go there, then,” Hux brought him back to the present. “You’re doing a good thing now. We all have shit in our past, it’s what we make of today that matters.” 

“You fucking sap,” Ben gave Hux a wide, lopsided grin.

“I won’t deny it,” was the only response he received. 

No sooner had the words been spoken, that they heard the girls barreling down the stairs. Ben could hear them giggling as they made their way down the short hallway. 

“Hey Armie,” Rose called out. “Is dinner ready yet?” 

Ben watched as Hux bristled. “You know damn well it isn’t, woman.” 

Both Rose and Rey burst into a fit of giggles before running back up the stairs again. 

——————

The small dinner table was set for its first ever meal. The four of them gathered around to ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over Hux’s supposed masterpiece. He had not allowed anyone else to help set the table, he had to do it alone. 

“This is  _ art, _ ” he had said, “and art takes an  _ artist. _ ” 

As they sat, Ben took notice of the softness in Rey’s eyes. How one could look absolutely ravenous and overwhelmingly emotional at the same time was beyond him, but Rey had mastered it. Ben could see her fingers itching at her jeans as she waited for permission to dig in. 

The smallest of smiles ghosted across his face and Ben reached under the table to grab her nearest hand. He gave her a gentle squeeze and slowly Rey’s entire body stopped vibrating. 

“Armie, look,” Rose had interrupted the most long winded speech on cook times Ben had ever heard. “We are all  _ so _ proud of you, but we would also like to eat while it’s still hot.” 

“Oh god yes!” Hux hollered, shocking everyone. He picked up a knife and fork, and began to cut purposefully into the meat. “Please do. It can’t be appreciated lukewarm!” 

Ben let out a low chuckle, squeezing Rey’s hand one last time before reaching to his wine glass. While clearing his throat, he raised the glass towards the others around the table, grabbing their attention. 

“To friends,” he said simply. His three companions raised their glasses as well. 

“To friends who became family,” Rose piped in. 

“Here, here,” murmured Hux, already taking a sip of the deep red beverage. 

Rey didn’t add anything other than a beaming smile and watery eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you as always to my amazing beta, weddersins! Find her here on ao3 and on twitter! 
> 
> Thank you all again for your patience and for taking the time to read! I’d love to hear what you think! Comments give me life.
> 
> Say hi to me on twitter!


	5. Travel far but stay with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof I am so sorry that I dropped off the earth with this, yall. TROS season really brought me down and then after all the fall out: I decided that this chapter was originally too angsty as were my plans for the next few. So I reworked the story to have SOME angst, but mostly stay with the fluff and tooth rotting goodness. I hope that’s okay! Thank you so much for sticking with me, I hope you enjoy!

**Chapter 4: Travel far but stay with me**

_Wish List_

<strike> _1\. A Barbie doll. A REEL one, not the doller store ones_ </strike>

<strike> _2\. Ice cream as big as my HEAD_ </strike>

<strike> _3\. See Emperer’s New Groove (W POPCORN)_ </strike>

_4\. Visit Disney land, or is it world?_

<strike> _5\. Some reel friends_ </strike>

<strike> _6\. STAKE! With potatos_ </strike>

_7\. See the oshen_

<strike> _8\. New shoes _ </strike>

_9\. A family who loves me _

The nearly five weeks to their road trip had gone by in a blur. Ben was shocked when he looked at the calendar and realized they had a mere two days before it was time to go. He had done some preparations here and there, trying to be inconspicuous. But then, it was time to  _ go _ and he knew he couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. 

Ben had a pretty simple day, working on two articles - neither of which were particularly difficult. He was able to send one off to the editor and nearly complete the other. Neither were due yet anyway, it felt good to get ahead of schedule. 

Once he was at a good stopping point, Ben hopped into the shower and then threw on jeans and a flannel top over a t-shirt. The weather was  _ just  _ starting to cool down. In Virginia, that typically meant by three it was scorching hot, but the mornings had become pleasant. 

Rey was gone for the day, having told Ben she wouldn’t return until quite late. They were heading out to Boyce, which wasn’t too far but what they were doing would take the majority of the day. The Blueridge Wildlife Center did a large amount of educational courses, and it was field-trip day. 

Rey had told Ben on more than one occasion that teaching kids about animal care was one of her favorite things. Unlike cynical adults, the kids would take things to heart and be nearly as passionate as the professionals when going through the lessons and activities. She was always beaming when she came home to tell Ben about her experiences with the kids. 

Ben had asked Poe on the downlow to get some pictures of Rey. She would never send him pictures from her work days, said she was too embarrassed. But Ben just knew she was being animated and adorable for those kids. 

Ben was using Rey’s long day away as an opportunity to get all the last minute items in order. He had a suitcase for each of them laid out on the bed, throwing in what he knew were her favorite clothing items alongside his. Honestly, he was probably overpacking but that was better than underpacking… right? 

It had been chaos lately, pure chaos. There was more work coming in for him, Rey was taking jobs away from home more frequently, and the looming trip was constantly on his mind. Ben had been shopping for certain items in order to complete the list, including the one he had planned to give her that day. The craziest thing though, was that somewhere in the midst of all of this he had obtained a ring. 

_ Holy shit _ . He sat down on the bed with an ‘oomph’ and pulled the little box out of the farthest corner of his nightstand drawer. It was a meager ring, nothing flashy - but Rey had never been a flashy person. A small quarter carat stone nestled in a bezel setting of rose gold. It was the largest he could afford, but he had thought carefully about the style. The bezel setting had seemed the most practical for Rey, as she worked with her hands on a regular basis. 

Ben swallowed, finding it difficult as his throat had gone dry. He was terrified she would hate it. He had never been good with jewelry, and Rey had never really given him any clues. But the compulsion had hit him so violently he’d been unable to ignore it. 

So there he sat, with the tiny little ring and a half conceived plan of proposal. Ben knew they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together, they had said just as much. Yet he couldn’t shake the fear. Rey was a woman who appreciated her independence. She had been back and forth on her opinions on marriage through the years. Ultimately, she informed him that devoting to share her life with another person was something she was okay with. She found great strength in the idea of taking care of one another through life.

_ “I would be fine just living together for the rest of our lives,” Rey smiled at him over her shoulder. “We wouldn’t need to do all of the poof and glam of it all.”  _

_ Ben snorted, continuing to walk the trail a few steps behind her. “Poof and glam, is it?”  _

_ Rey stopped in her tracks, turning around quick enough that her single braid whipped from one shoulder to the other. “Yes, Benjamin. Poof and glam! What else would you call the nonsense that is a wedding?”  _

_ “Romantic?” He raised on hand, then the other, “possibly ‘inestimable’?”  _

_ He watched Rey’s eyes dazzle just a little bit before she rolled them. “Always the sap. You and your big words.” She turned and started to walk further up the trail, but he grabbed her hand instead, making her turn back to face him.  _

_ They were eye level this way, Rey having started the uphill climb ahead of him. Ben gave her a small grin, tilting his head to the side.  _

_ “Maybe I just really want to show the world how much you mean to me,” his nose rubbed the side of hers, he could feel her quick intake of breath on his cheek. “And yes, I am an absolute sap.”  _

_ Rey’s arms came to wrap around his shoulders, she cocked an eyebrow up at him. “Well maybe...for you, I might consider a wedding.” She kissed his cheek before turning around and bolting up the trail.  _

_ “But I get to be the groom!” She called back and he let out a surprised bark of a laugh.  _

Ben was smiling to himself again. Sat on their bed, staring at the ring, lost in thought over sappy memories that he cherished with his entire being. 

It was a tad ridiculous, he always saw himself as far more masculine than this. He was a big guy, brutish at times, knew how to hold his own in a fight. His father had always been burly and roguish in his eyes, but as Ben got older he realized that the old man was a big softy. It gave Ben a little confidence in his bleeding heart syndrome. 

But it wasn’t until Rey that he really let himself fall into that side of his personality. She wouldn’t take Ben’s crap when he got in any of his moods. She straight up left him after a bought of anger. He realized that based on the male influences she had in her life growing up, someone with a bit more understanding and emotional connection was what she needed. 

She had needed him. In all of his ways. Just as much as he needed her. 

Ben shut the ring box with a loud ‘ _ thunk’ _ and buried it under the clothes in his bag. If the trip went accordingly, he would be proposing by the end of it. If the trip went poorly - which he was terrified would happen - he would be licking his wounds. 

The stupid nagging sensation in the back of his head was hard to ignore. But Ben had talked out his plan with enough people that approved, he should have been feeling confident. He allowed himself one more sigh before addressing another box he had obtained. 

A legitimate pair of hiking boots tucked away in the biggest, most ridiculous shoe box he had ever laid eyes on. Ben had done a crazy amount of research to figure out what was the best pair for the best price. These particular shoes had been quite a bit more than he was budgeting for, but their lifespan made it worth it. He was completely sure that Rey would appreciate them. 

_ Rey collapsed onto a fallen over tree and looked up to the sky with a groan. Ben sat down next to her, pulling out his water bottle and handed it to her. She gave him a look before chugging.  _

_ “I hate these stupid shoes,” she moaned after handing back the bottle. “I mean, I know they were cheap, but holy crap I can feel at least five blisters forming. Why do I love hiking so much but it hates me?!”  _

_ Ben snorted as he watched Rey start taking off her shoes. They were in the middle of the woods, why on earth was she taking off her shoes? She removed them, followed by her socks, and Ben gawked at her feet.  _

_ “Holy shit, Rey,” he leaned down to cradle one foot in his hand, studying the very real and very painful looking blisters. “I am so sorry, sunshine. I had no idea.”  _

_ “It’s fine,” Rey lamented. “I just need a break and we can head back to the car.”  _

_ “Absolutely not!” Ben grabbed her (piece of shit, garbage, evil) shoes and threw them in his backpack. He then placed the pack on backwards, the supplies it was filled with making it bulge out awkwardly in front of him.  _

_ “What are you doing, weirdo?” Rey gave him an odd look.  _

_ “Making sure you don’t walk anymore, that’s what!” With that, he scooped her off of the log and threw her across his back in the least gentle way possible. Rey’s sudden scream faded into a laugh as she helped Ben position her for a piggy back ride.  _

_ As she wrapped her arm around his neck and felt his hands firmly gripped her thighs, she gave him a peck on the cheek.  _

_ “My hero.”  _

Ben caught himself smiling again. Yeah, Rey would definitely flip over the new boots. He stole a glance at the clock and realized he was daydreaming the day away. He still had errands to run and phone calls to make - finalizing all of his plans for the coming days. 

After zipping up the luggage and placing the shoe box on top of Rey’s, Ben barreled out of the bedroom and out the front door, determined to beat Rey home. 

——————

_ “Wait ...what?!” Ben flew up out of his reclined position, wide eyes on Rey. She gave him a sheepish nod, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. “You live in  _ Virginia _ ! How have you never seen the ocean?!”  _

_ She gave him a half-hearted shrug and he could immediately tell she was shrinking into herself. “I just never had the opportunity to. It’s like a three hour drive, right?”  _

_ Ben shook his head in disbelief, his (ridiculously long, in dire need of a cut) hair getting caught in his eyelashes. He brushed the bangs away quickly, scrambling off the bed and onto the floor to be at face level with Rey.  _

_ Rey, whom he had only been dating a few months at this point. Rey, whom he could already envision the rest of his life with. Rey, who was just opening up to him and breaking his heart little by little.  _

_ “Sunshine, I have got to get you to the beach!” He took one of her hands in his. “Not Yorktown or any other lake beach. No, you need to see the ocean. I can’t accept this.” _

_ Rey shook her head at him. “It’s not that big of a deal, Ben. Don’t even worry about it.”  _

_ “Like hell,” he said a tad too loudly. He was angry, the more he learned about how deprived Rey had been the more he was dying to make things right. “If I have any say in it - which I do, as your knight in shining armor—“ Rey snorted.  _

_ Ben gave her  _ a look  _ that told her that she’d best shut up and let him finish. “I care about you. Immensely. And there’s no way in hell someone as bright and warm as you should be kept away from the beach - the brightest and warmest place in the state.”  _

_ He saw the blush spread across Rey’s cheeks as she looked down sheepishly. There was a ghost of a smile. “I guess if you insist… I won’t stop you.”  _

_ “Good.”  _

——————

Ben returned home with a few more items in hand. New swimsuits for the both of them (if the beach was too cold, their hotel had an indoor pool), new towels, snacks for the drive, and a printed sheet that he would give her in Virginia Beach that told her their next destination. 

His promise to take her to the beach had been at the very beginning of their relationship. It had fallen to the wayside when they needed to focus on more important things - her career, his temper, their relationship. The beach became an afterthought, never quite having the time to get there. Ben kicked himself for it on more than one occasion. 

Hopefully he wasn’t too late and this would still be something special for her. 

Ben set the bags down on the kitchen counter, taking a moment to remove his shoes. He heard footsteps upstairs and felt panic set in. Either they were currently being robbed or Rey was home early. He didn’t care much for either option. If it were a thief, they would be sorely disappointed. Neither he nor Rey had much of anything that was worth something. Other than the ring. 

Oh. That would suck. 

If it were Rey, surely she would be questioning the packed bags and new shoes… and maybe the ring. 

_ Fuck it _ , Ben thought as he flew up the stairs, taking two at a time. If he got shot, he got shot. The priority was making sure Rey didn’t go digging through his bags.  _ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  _

He entered the bedroom and saw Rey sitting at the foot of the bed. She had the open shoebox in front of her. Her gaze was sad as she stared down at them, there was a slight furrow to her brow. Ben walked over to her slowly, hesitantly sitting down beside her. 

“Uh, hey Rey. I wasn’t expecting you home so early.” 

She blinked and turned to face him. “Ben, what is all of this?” 

He leaned in a little with a slight smile, still unsure of what was happening in Rey’s head. “I talked with Maz a month ago, we scheduled some time off for you. I was going to take you on a road trip… it was supposed to be a surprise.”

Rey looked back down at the boots, giving him a weary nod. “What about the shoes?” 

“Well, I thought they would come in handy where I was taking you. There will be a shit ton of walking and you’ve needed a new pair for a while.”

“It has nothing to do a personal list?” 

Ben froze. “A what?” 

“Ben,” Rey’s voice was barely above a whisper at that point, “did you read my childhood diary?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh...well. Sorry about that ending! But do not fear, the air will be cleared! Please leave a little note and let me know what you think. Your opinions are inspiring! Thank you so much!


	6. We’re Counting Backwards, Falling Forwards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I said I wasn’t going to get to angsty.   
But I did. this is 3k words of not-fluff and pain, please forgive me. 
> 
> AND ALSO forgive me for not getting this beta-ed. I really wanted to get it out tonight, so I apologize for any and all errors. 
> 
> Title is from Hawthorne Height’s “Saying Sorry” which was my song of choice writing this chapter. Whoops.

**Chapter 5: We’re counting backwards, falling forwards**

_Wish List_

<strike> _1\. A Barbie doll. A REEL one, not the doller store ones_ </strike>

<strike> _2\. Ice cream as big as my HEAD_ </strike>

<strike> _3\. See Emperer’s New Groove (W POPCORN)_ </strike>

_4\. Visit Disney land, or is it world?_

<strike> _5\. Some reel friends_ </strike>

<strike> _6\. STAKE! With potatos_ </strike>

_7\. See the oshen_

<strike> _8\. New shoes _ </strike>

_9\. A family who loves me _

_ Rey was laid across the bed beside him, resting on her stomach with arms folded beneath her chin. She was staring thoughtfully at the wall as Ben trailed his fingers lazily up and down her spine. He watched her face from the side, could see a storm raging inside, her brows furrowed.  _

_ “Hey,” he gruffed out, causing her to turn her head ever so slightly. “What’s on your mind?”  _

_ She sighed, twisted herself towards him and propped her head up with an elbow so she was eye to eye with him. He watched as Rey’s hazel eyes bounced back and forth between his own, studying him.  _

_ “I don’t want to upset you,” she finally mumbled, still staring intently. “And I love you with every fiber of my being.”  _

_ “Oh…” Ben’s hand stilled from caressing her side as he had been her back. “Um, okay.” he gulped, adjusting himself awkwardly, now feeling far too naked in his nakedness. “I’m uh- I’m listening.”  _

_ Rey was totally breaking up with him.  _

_ After sex.  _

_ Rey had one last pity romp with him before she crushed his very being.  _

_ He wasn’t ready.  _

_ “So first, based on your expression, I feel like I need to tell you - I am absolutely not breaking up with you.”  _

_ Oh. This was good. Okay.  _

_ “But if you want to break up with me after I say this, I totally get it.” She placed a reassuring hand on Ben’s shoulder, which honestly terrified him more than anything she had said thus far. Did she anticipate him breaking up with her? Did Rey want that? Was she hoping that he would so she wouldn’t have to shoulder the guilt?  _

_ “Okay.”  _

_ “Okay, so,” Rey closed her eyes and took a deep breath, exhaled loudly before looking at him again. “Ben, I am not a clingy person. I am not one who likes to share every moment and part of my life. I don’t like constantly texting or being on social media.” Ben nodded, still not sure where this was going.  _

_ “I like to hide in my head sometimes, be outside alone, have my body to myself,” she flinched. “That came out wrong...but, sometimes I really do feel… touched-out. It’s a thing, I looked it up. And sometimes my  _ brain  _ feels touched-out too. I want nothing more than to be with you.” Her hand traveled from the top of his arm to cup his cheek, he found himself automatically nuzzling into it.  _

_ “I know that...you were very desperate for touch for a very long time,” her voice had gone softer, a gentle understanding in her eyes. “And I know that you had everything to yourself, all alone for most of your life.”  _

_ Ben thought he was starting to understand. He let his own hand wrap around the one still on his cheek. He still didn’t speak.  _

_ “I had...nothing of my own, and nothing to myself. You know that” Ben nodded. “I still...struggle with independence. I crave it, I need it to stay sane. I need to have my own place for my own stuff, my own job, my own friends. I need to have my own body, alone to myself sometimes.”  _

_ Ben  _ did  _ flinch at that. He knew what certain foster siblings or parents had done along the way. A particular one he had the displeasure of meeting coming to mind. He had never ...thought about what he did with Rey in that light. A wash of shame and agony flooded over him.  _

_ He could tell that Rey could tell. She immediately scooched closer to him, wrapping an arm around his side and came nose to nose with him.  _

_ “We never did  _ anything  _ that I was not okay with. I never have felt used or abused, believe me. If I did, you would have known by now.”  _

_ His little hellion, he believed her. He wouldn’t have still been on the earth otherwise.  _

_ “I love you, and I want to make this work. I want to give you what you need without overwhelming myself and my own needs. Does that make sense?” _

_ Ben nodded, barely noticeable. He turned his head slightly into her palm and nuzzled her there. Rey was, of course, completely accurate in that if he could have it his way - they’d always be touching. Hands, shoulder to shoulder, legs against one another. He longed for that constant reassurance. The knowledge that she was there with him - really  _ with  _ him, and wanted to be.  _

_ His loneliness and desperation was his greatest weakness once the anger was under control. Through therapy he learned that the rage had all been an act to squash down the anguish that dwelled inside. Once he no longer had that crutch to lean on, Ben realized he hurt and he cried - a lot.  _

_ But none of that truly mattered if it pushed Rey away.  _

_ “Ben?” Rey gave him a little shake. “You okay in there?”  _

_ He gave her a whisper of a smile. “So, what we need to do is find a compromise… right?”  _

_ Relief washed across her face and he could swear he saw tears.  _

_ “Absolutely. A compromise.”  _

  
  
  


Ben was jolted back to the present with such an alarming rate he had to catch his breath. He stared at Rey, who was staring at the shoes, and felt yet another pang of guilt echo through his bones. 

That discussion sparked many more: the two of them letting the other know when they had received too much or too little from the other. They worked hard to find the balance and be what the other needed without damaging themselves in the process. Ben had been so proud of the two of them. Rey found her freedom while Ben learned to be independent without feeling abandoned. Ben received the affection and love he so craved, Rey finding new ways to show that love that didn’t involve becoming touched-out. 

There were hiccups along the way, of course. Ben was certain there always would be. No one is perfect. But the fact that they were trying so hard - so very, very hard - for one another… well, he knew it was something he couldn’t take advantage of. 

Yet here they were - Rey near tears and Ben scrambling for a way to explain his intentions without hurting her further. 

He scooted a smidge closer, a nervous hand running up and down his thigh. Leaned forward, he sought her eyes with his own - to no avail. Rey refused to look up from the hiking boots. As if looking at him would cause her actual, physical pain. 

Ben did not, for one instant, want to make excuses for his behavior. He  _ had  _ snooped, and he had discussed his snooping with their friends, and her had kept it all from Rey. His intentions were honest and good, even if the means weren’t all that great. He  _ knew  _ that, he hoped Rey would be able to see that. He sent a silent prayer to anyone listening that he hadn’t just ruined their relationship completely. 

“I have to apologize,” he offered quietly. He didn’t dare reach for her just yet. “I found the diary when I was helping you pack up for the move. I didn’t know what it was when I initially opened it. I don’t even remember what the sentence was that I read - and that’s the truth.” 

Rey shifted ever so slightly. Still studying her expression, he saw the look of blatant, undeniable  _ hurt  _ cross her features and her body was leaning away from him. Ben took another breath in, allowing himself to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. 

“I was weak and selfish, and I  _ did  _ take another glance. The very front page, and nothing more. I read the list, took a picture of it, and then shoved it into one of your bags. I breached your privacy and I am so sorry. Not just because I was caught, but because I know what that means to you, I know just how much that affects you. I messed up, and I’m so sorry.” 

Rey made no move to acknowledge him, or answer him. Ben could tell her brain was running a thousand miles per minute. He could only sit there and wonder what any of them could be. 

He was fully aware that the only way this could move forward is if Rey wanted it to. He stared at the furrow in her brow, the wisps of hair that had escaped her messy bun, hoping that if he stared long and hard enough he would be able to see into her mind. See what she was thinking. Know where he stood.

But wasn’t that what got him in this predicament in the first place? 

Snooping? 

Ben turned to face the wall, leaning his forearms on thighs, and cleared his throat.

“When I was around fourteen,” he swallowed, “I went to stay at my uncle’s house for a while. My mom - well, she was overwhelmed with me. I know you know that part. Dad had gone on some job that had him away for a long time, so mom was on her own with me.” 

He stole a glance at Rey, noted that she was looking a little more in the present. He had no idea what he was doing, telling her this story - but it felt right. 

“Anyway, I got in a fight at school. Some kid shoulder checked me, I threw him into the lockers and punched his face in.” A bitter laugh escaped before he could stop it. One of these days he would be over it. Just not yet, apparently. 

“Got two days suspension just as mom had some pretty major meetings coming up. She was furious, said she didn’t have time to deal with me and she needed those hours I was in school. So she called Luke. And Luke - my uncle, sorry - he wasn’t fond of me right from the gate. I was a defiant little shit.. but I mean, I was fourteen. What fourteen year old  _ wasn’t  _ a shit?” 

A snort from Rey. 

He pressed on. 

“We butt heads more than I ever had with my parents. He made me work his farm - early mornings, late nights, no time to myself. Eventually I realized my mom wasn’t coming back for me. I think it had been a little over a month when it finally hit me.” 

He saw Rey go rigid. He had never told a single soul any of this. His parents didn’t even know the full story. They probably never would. Not after Luke died. Ben could never bring himself to kick a man down that couldn’t fight back. 

“Anyway - after a while I just fell into step. Didn’t really have much of a choice. I didn’t even know where I was exactly, so I figured I’d just ride it out however long I had to. But goddammit did Luke know how to push my buttons. Always telling me what I was doing wrong, always condescending and assuming the worst. I lost it one day, told him to fuck off. He decked me, hard. Had no idea the old man had it in him.” 

“Ben, why are you telling me this?” Rey was studying him now, something akin to anger simmering in her gaze. “Are you trying to make me...pity you? Or forget what you did?” 

“Absolutely not,” Ben’s voice was harsher than he had meant it to come out. “This… this story isn’t about you. It’s about me and the reason I made some of the choices I’ve made along the way.” 

“Ben-“ 

“No, I’m not defending those choices,” his hands flew up in front of him, he was stiff. “I made a lot of awful ones, including the one I made that has hurt you. They were god awful and stupid. But I’ve never told anyone this and for some stupid reason it’s coming out now!” He took a breath. Ran both hands down his face and willed himself to calm down. 

“Okay…” Rey was turned away from him again. “Go on.” 

He scoffed. “Well, anyway - Luke took to beating me on the regular. Not like  _ regular regular  _ I guess. But way fucking more than once in a blue moon. I was around sixteen when I punched him back.”

“ _ Sixteen?”  _ Rey looked horrified. 

“Yeah, somehow Luke convinced mom - who I guess convinced dad - that I was doing a lot better with him and wanted to stay. Never asked me though.” He shrugged. “But when I decked him, he called the cops. Can you fucking believe that? He called the cops, who of course called my parents. Mom bailed me out and I swear to God I’ve never seen such disappointment on anyone before. Her face when she picked me up from jail broke my heart, Rey. I hated myself.” 

“But you didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“Of course I didn’t. But I didn’t realize that then.” He reached for her hand out of instinct, almost flinched when he realized what he was doing, but she let him. He cupped her hand in both of his, giving a firm squeeze before continuing on. 

“I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth. I figured she would think I was lying. So I just did my best to lay low.” Another dark laugh escaped. “I did a shit job at that. I was so angry. I mean, you know-“ he gulped. “You saw.” 

She nodded at him, but didn’t say anything. 

“I kept the worst two years of my life locked away from literally everyone. I talked to Luke at family functions like it had never happened. He talked to _ me _ as if I were some delinquent. Always reminding me of how much I fucked up.” Ben rolled his eyes. “Then he died, and that was that. No reason to kick a man when he’s already dead. Still don’t think anyone would ever believe me.” 

He was rambling. Like - really rambling. That had not been part of whatever plan he thought he was formulating. He couldn’t bring himself to stop, however. The dam had been busted and years of repressing and ignoring just flooded out of him. Wave after wave, the emotion was almost too much for him - but he fought against it. 

“So here’s the thing - the stupid point I was trying to make before I word vomited all over you.” He looked right at her this time, shifting his body towards her, stared intently. Rey didn’t look away. “Other things happened to me after that and I still never told anyone. I bottled up thing after thing until I was completely full of secrets and scars. A lot of the terrible stuff that happened was my own damn fault. I didn’t want to ask anyone for help because I didn’t want anyone to judge me or walk out of my life again.” 

Ben was feeling ballsy. He removed one hand from Rey’s, slipping it around the side of her neck, his fingers digging into the nape of her neck, burying in her hair. His thumb traced the side of her neck up and down, slowly, as he titled his head ever so slightly. 

“I know you’ve kept a lot hidden away-“ she tried to pull away, but his grip tightened. “I know you have your reasons for doing that. I don’t  _ understand  _ those reasons. Because in my experience keeping things locked up doesn’t make any sense, it makes things worse. But...I know we are very different people, and we handle things differently.” 

“Ben, please.” 

“Forgive me. I desperately want to know every little detail about you. I want to memorize you, all of your memories and smiles and events. I want to share it with you and I let myself get carried away with that desire. I looked into something so private and intimate and all you’ve ever wanted in life was your privacy and autonomy.” Another sigh, he felt so tired. 

“I’m asking your forgiveness. Nothing more. Just forgive me for projecting myself on to you once again. I’m really, honest to god so goddamn sorry for taking advantage like that.” 

Rey looked perplexed, like she was struggling with her thoughts and how to handle his absolute meltdown. He felt her pull her hands and her head back ever so gently, and that time he let her go. She wrapped her arms around her torso and closed her eyes, barely breathing as far as he could tell. 

He had made things worse. Definitely. Absolutely. 

He waited in the silence - willing Rey to yell at him, throw things, walk out of the room. Walk out of the townhouse. Never come back. He wouldn’t blame her. He had royally fucked up and then turned it into his problems. 

Ben fought against himself in his head; he wanted to punch a wall, he wanted to cry. He hated himself more now than he had in a long time. How had everything gone so horribly wrong so quickly? Wasn’t it just that morning he was staring at her ring? The bags packed on their bed mocked him, Ben wanted the earth to open up and eat him alive. 

“I…” Rey wasn’t looking at him. Her hands rose up and down her arms as if she were cold - but Ben knew it meant she was scared. She was scared of him, of how he would react to whatever she was about to say. “I can’t give you the answer you want right now, is that okay?” 

She was looking at him now, eyes pleading, filled close to flooding. He watched her throat as she swallowed, he could hear it. “I need time.” 

A ringing in his ears, a searing pain in his chest that he hadn’t felt in a long time. The hurt so intense it bubble into his throat. 

“Of course,” he managed to croak out. 

“I can’t…” her hands raked through her hair suddenly, a panicked look on her face. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t think right now. I can’t.” 

Ben held his hands up. “I’ll go, Rey. I’ll leave right now. I’m already packed, let me get out of your hair.” 

“No!” She yelled at him as he made his way to stand. He fell back onto the bed, feeling chastised - scolded. A small child once more. “I can’t stay here. You packed my bag too, right?” 

All he could do was nod. 

“Okay. I’m leaving.” Rey stood, the new boots clattered to the floor in her haste. She was zipping her bag and he was merely trying to keep up. “Don’t call me, don’t text me. I’ll… I’m not breaking up with you. Not yet. I don’t know. I’ll call  _ you _ , okay?” 

“Okay.” 

And then she was gone. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sharp intake through teeth* Welp.   
Let me know what you think?   
Happier days are ahead, I promise!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!  
And say hi to me on [twitter](Http://mobile.twitter.com/chiidishiandino)!


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